AWFUL DAYS AND AWE-FUL NIGHTS

16/01/26

yesterday I awoke at 13:00 and promptly left home to watch my mom try and

fail to make herself look pretty for 6 hours.

She left me home and drove off to water someone else's plants, from what

I hear her dad is dying, and on the way back my mom told me I could have

anything for dinner, of course, although she could never comprehend to

what degree, I was notoriously very devastated over losing so much time;

maybe I ran over myself explaining, but those were some grueling 6 hours

of doing quite nothing in the sun!

Between my teeth I managed to ask her for sushi, to which she responded

that she was too far away. Aah!! the pain!! the loss!! I really wanted

sushi that night!!

I asked for,,, french fries

and she brought me a sandwich!!!!! an awful awful sandwich!!!! could you

comprehend how horrible that was for me?

I felt like a rabid dog

I became the little dog inside me

I flushed that sandwich down the toilet not before showing it my anger!

anger's the only true form of compassion, and for that moment, with such

levels, I could finally find inside me, the big compassion for this small

dog.

At 9:50PM or so I left home saying I was going for a walk

(I should explain, I live about 20 minutes from a very small town, right

by the sea shore, it was cheaper, but we must've already spent the money

we saved on gas,,,,), of course, I didn't want to say anything, I was

just caught leaving.

A taxi waited for me, and also for a gentleman he told me wouldn't leave

without and may take some time. I was treated as a young girl and payed

with a very large bill for my very large fare.

Sitting down on that car I barked at every thought of meaningless human

sounding fear inducing whoremongering that tries to play from time to

time. Are those inserted to us, not by words, but by symbols? Completely

trespassing any barrier and instilling themselves into us like tar, like

napalm, like brown sugar. They were so ruthless, so betraying, but

identifying or labeling them as some sort of corrupt hermetic ritual, and

I did nothing but bark, "Why are you being so mean to me?" "Why are you

trying to betray me?" I thought many times in the car, about how I'm the

only thing I have.

I wouldn't stop crying, my mouth went in on itself like gates closing in

on a big fire, and as I tried to finally become one with the little

animal someone else appeared, as nature way goes, when you finally fully

become someone, someone else appears in your life; this time, it was a

brighter figure, "Masako" came to mind, and I was her dog, and I was

being taken care of. The big compassion that I'd never felt before, the

big compassion that the moon once gave to a bunny, the one I could never

find on someone older. Aah!! Stay with me big moon! I'm sure the sun

won't mind some company! But I want you only to talk with me!