14/01/26
it's 4:47AM, I forgot what I was about to say, but I'm sure it was very
important. I stayed awake reading a compilation of short stories by Osamu
Dazai, 2 weeks is as much as I can take to read a 3XX page book before
feeling disappointed in myself.
God, what was I about to say? I feel ridiculous, stupid, foolish, like if
I had gathered tens of thousands of people in a room, no, not that much,
and every group over 6 is but 1, no, it's like if I had raised a glass in
my school's cafeteria to announce something I forgot midsentence,
something about war, something about revolution, something about a topic
I speak so confidently on, but know very little about.
V-chan says I know way more than her about any given topic but guns and
visual novels, I'm flattered but quite disappointed in her. (Is she
plotting something? I guess one day I'll know)
Yesterday, my mom threw V-chan's underwear into the trash, mistaking them
for mine. I asked her about it and she told me they were broken, so I
threw one of the plates she had made into the trash, then another. It
crashed and broke into two perfect moon shaped pieces; the sound could be
very much compared to setting them in the sink, so she didn't question me
about it. "They were broken", I thought between my teeth. I went into her
room to pick up yet another tray of leftovers, when I looked at her I
smiled and used a very nice tone on her, I felt disgusting, but not
enough, that was, by far, the worst part.
I'm not sure when it started, but something was changing. I wasn't as
eccentric, god knows only I would miss me: god only knows that I've spent
the good part of 6 years learning a task with no discernible use. One
which would (if it shined through my innards, and it would) only spook
people. Oh but don't be confused dear viewer, people are not only spooked
way, but in too.
There's a little animal in my brain, if I love him very much then it'll
all go well, but lately I've been losing focus; the little animal is
getting sadder, the little everything else's have been getting better,
but at the cost of the only one that I could ever truly love: that little
yellow dog in my brain. God am I sorry, I am, truly sorry, I am, better,
truly sorry.
"Do you think you're better off alone?"
I sit and smoke in my room while he sings SALEM's rendition to me, ah,
no, dogs just bark, but that's what I torture myself with. Ah, ah, ah,
I'm sorry dog, I'm very sorry, I've truly neglected you, what a horrible
mother I am, I truly am, a woman.
